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Tuesday January 9, 2001


Kelly,

It is a long and hard road to battle the fibromyalgia war and with my wife incapacitated most of the time what's a guy to do. There is no interest on her part because of what she is going through. But I still have a pulse and it is hard to not want to be intimate with her.

She is still the one for me.

What do you think? 


In response to the issue you mention above, I would ask you first: are you sure that on your wife's part there is not any interest or that she simply is not able to meet your needs? Emotionally she may want to be interested but is unable to be due to as you say "because of what she is going through." 

I understand too, that while yes you still have a pulse, you also have a commitment to your marriage and your wife "in sickness and in health" and that she knows you will stand by that commitment because you will remind her often that you will.

It is very stressful for a spouse to know that they are not meeting the physical needs of their partner but for the less able person to be reminded of it is even more painful and stressful. You do not sound like you would remind your wife about something she is VERY aware of. You remark "she is still the one for me" suggests that you love her unconditionally. I suggest at this time you might think about putting on her shoes, walking a mile in them and then seeing how you would feel if you were her. I do not mean this in a negative way but one that would be more of a learning tool.

I once got a letter from a man who had a very ill wife. He complained about the fun things that they used to do and now he does not have a partner to have fun with. Hmmmmmmm, never once mentioned how difficult it was for her to be deteriorating in front of his eyes but he was more concerned about the fun he wasn't having any more. I wonder if she thought about fun while she was on a respirator and trying to cling onto life? We communicated again after her passing and he was so embarrased to tell me how selfish he felt about thinking about himself so much when he could have been making kinder and more significant memories with what they did have and were able to do, even if it were to hold hands.  You sound like a good husband in a difficult situation which in time you will learn how to deal with through coping skills which you could learn through a good counselor as well as talking to others going through the same problem.

Please know that you are not alone...many, many men are in your boat for the same reason. There are online support groups for spouses if you are interested in seeking one out. 

Most Sincerely,

Kelly


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